Reflections on the spiritual journey
I have not written a personal blog in quite some time. I am sorry for this. I have not felt very good for a very long time because of my disability. I thought about what I could write that would be inspirational and lift your spirit. I did not want to write something that would bum you out so I kept procrastinating. I thought to myself, I could write about how when my energy gets low and I don’t feel good I don’t want to do anything. I thought maybe you could relate to this. It’s much like when you work and work and play and play, your always on the go, then boom, you get the flu. Your body just automatically shuts down. Your brain doesn’t work so quickly when your body feels down. You don’t want to do anything other than lay on the couch in front of the TV as your body begins the healing process. But with permanent disability, my disability, and the limitations my body finds itself dealing with, the healing process is not coming to me as quickly as I had hoped. I find this to be extremely frustrating. I use to be such an active person. I loved going out, driving, visiting others. Now, I am alone a lot of the day. Not many come to visit me. I did consecrate myself to the eremitical life, so I have no right to complain about how many come to visit me. I chalk it up to another one of my many frustrations. The constant physical pain that drains my energy, that makes me want to lay on this bed of mine and move as little as possible is something I cannot escape from. At times, I feel in prisoned in my own skin. Pain makes my body feel terrible then that feeling brings me down psychologically. So, then, I feel that depressing cloud floating over my head and this becomes, as well, a piece of the war puzzle I find myself battling. I pray and pray that God will take this cross from me but to no avail. I attempt to offer up my suffering for others instead, with the hope that it will help heal our world in some small way. I want it to help the world in a big way, but I don’t want to get to cocky with my efforts. I should be grateful and trusting my efforts will be accepted by God at all. I have learned through the years of studying and living my spiritual life that prayer is not just reciting a plethora of words or incantations. Prayer to me is a relationship between two people in love. Me and Christ Jesus. Two hearts growing into one, my heart will melt or fuse into the very Heart of Christ Jesus. I pray that each and every day I will be gifted with the energy to become the very best person God has created me to be. That I will become the very best hermit I can be. To be the best brother, son, and friend to others in my life and a friend to those who may one day come into my life. The daily degradation of my physical body is a reality I must continue to face and embrace. The limitations that this physical degradation impose upon me must also be embraced, along with the many frustrations that will come along with them. I can view these new physical limitations can either be viewed as a cloud floating over my head or can be viewed as inspirational to me. This outlook is something I can control. This outlook gives me hope to continue to be open to growth and branch out no matter what obstacles spring up in my life. I have chosen to let every day become a new adventure and a new challenge. I am trusting God will gift me with the grace I need to carry this cross, growing more deeply in the spiritual life. I understand that growth is never easy, for the many years of living my life with physical disability, I have experienced this truth. Yet, not every difficult experience will teach me something. Or will they? Perhaps so. What matters is that I remain open to new possibilities. I have made it my life’s work to be a positive vessel for God’s healing in our world. I pray for more sisters and brothers to aid me in this journey where ever on this earth you may be living. I will continue to pray the Holy Spirit will guide others to offer their lives to the healing of our world. Please pray for me and for each of the Hermits of the Holy Cross.
You are loved,
Hermits of the Holy Cross